Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
"You make me egg-static."
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.