My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Pirates Private Property.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.