Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Shell yeah.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.