How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Ah! The element of surprise.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
That’s a-may-zing!
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.