What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.