How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.