What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
You really mermaid my day.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.