My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
"Dying to have fun."
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
We've reached the point of snow return.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Up to snow good.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!