What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
More candles means a bigger wish!
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
I loaf you.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!