The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
I'm fondue you, it's true
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Whatever floats your goat.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.