Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
You’ve been working too yard.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
"Yoda one for me."
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Books are my kind of texts.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
The sun is just a big space heater.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.