Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
Yoda one for me!
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.