What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.