Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
This is snow laughing matter!
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.