What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
It's lit.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.