Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Are you squiding me right now?
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
This foundation is rock salad.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.