The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
You’re my soul Santa.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.