What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
when I’m with you.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?