I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.