What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.