Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
You're acute Valentine.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?