Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Whatever floats your goat.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I goat this.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.