"Lazy bones."
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
I’m rooting for you!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Your good weed for the day.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.