Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.