Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"