Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Fairies just spell trouble.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
You’re my heartthrob.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."