What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.