What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Leave poetry to the prose.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
Keep calm and carrot on.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Can I be Candide with you?
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.