What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
I whale always love you.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!