Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.