How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.