What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Practice safe text: use commas.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.