Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Girls just wanna have sun!
If there's a will, there's a wave.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.