Beauty is only pig skin deep
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
Sip, sip, horray!
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.