What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
You are spud-tacular.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”