Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.