How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
I goat this.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.