I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.