How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Writers have great climaxes.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.