How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
V
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.