This vacation has been sand-sational!
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
We make a great pear
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!