Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.