A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Owl always love you.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.