My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Go big or go gnome.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
How Rudolf you to say that!
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.