How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
I think I found my perfect match
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
We’re a perfect mash.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.