Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.