A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!