Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
"Sip happens."
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
"Yoda one for me."
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
"Sip, sip hooray."
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.