How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Fairies just wand to have fun.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Leave poetry to the prose.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.