What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
I think you’re dandelion.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
My moment in the sun.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Writers have great climaxes.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.