What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
I beacha miss summer already!
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Icy what you did there!
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.