I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Get clover it, babe.
He threw three free throws.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
It's lit.
Icy what you did there!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
"Happy eggster."
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"